


Your Life Has Meaning, You Matter

by DaniJayNel



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Blood, F/F, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Modern AU, Physical Abuse, Scars, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, suicide prevention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-28 00:18:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10819758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaniJayNel/pseuds/DaniJayNel
Summary: Walking home from class one evening, Ymir comes across a young girl with a bloodied face ready to jump off a bridge. Ymir decides to climb up with her and remind her that it's okay, that the little things matter, and that living is a much better revenge than ending your life.





	Your Life Has Meaning, You Matter

**Author's Note:**

> Please note, before you read, that Historia does attempt to kill herself. This fic was written to share a message that living, though painful, is worth it. This is not meant to trigger anyone, but it might bring up negative feelings. The main point of this is hope. Please read with caution. Suicide doesn't need to be the only answer. There is no suicide glorification here, but if anything in this fic sits wrong with you, please let me know so that I may edit and fix it, and make this safer for people to read

It was dark and dreary but Ymir didn’t worry as she took her usual route home from class. Her back ached a little, the result of slouching in her chair when she really, really shouldn’t. It was a habit, one that was difficult to shake. Being tall did that to her. She could hardly wait to get home and soak in a nice, hot bath. Kick her feet up, have a lovely dinner and enjoy the silence and solitude of her single flat.

Her shoes scuffed loudly on the dirt road and she lazily kicked around stones in her path. Her parents always told her not to walk this way around the residential area, but it cut her walk home down by ten minutes and really, Ymir was tall enough and masculine-looking enough that she was usually left alone. She kept a small knife in her pocket just in case, though.

She wished she could see the moon and stars. It was so dark in this area that the sky was usually really beautiful this time, but it was covered up by clouds. Ymir stuffed her hands into her pockets, the bridge ahead coming into view, and kicked one last rock as hard as she could. It skidded and rolled and smacked against the railing of the bridge with a loud metal clang.

Ymir continued on. She started fishing for her phone in her bag, stepping onto the metal of the bridge, but froze when she noticed a figure standing on the top of the railing. It was pretty dark, but Ymir managed to make out long blonde hair. She seemed really small, and she was gripping onto a support beam so tightly that Ymir could see the veins on her hand standing out. Her shoulders were shaking gently as if she was silently sobbing. Ymir’s stomach churned and her heart squeezed hard. Slowly Ymir walked forward, making sure that her footsteps echoed so that she didn’t frighten the girl. When she was right beside her, she grabbed onto the railing and peered down into the choppy water below. It was a long, harsh drop. A drop that no one could survive—many had done it.

“I’m terrified of heights,” Ymir spoke up quietly. “Just standing here makes my entire body shiver.”

The girl inhaled sharply but didn’t say a word. Ymir chanced a look up at her face and her heart sank. The girl was looking forward, not even down at the water, her blue eyes wet with tears and red from crying. Blood slowly trickled from her busted up nose, and her cheek was already blossoming with a huge, angry purple bruise. Her bottom lip was a little split, and her neck had finger like bruises. They all looked like fresh wounds, but beneath them Ymir could see scars and faded marks. Her mouth dried up.

Swallowing, Ymir made a decision. She dropped her bag down onto the floor and hoisted herself up on the railing beside the girl. She only held onto the support beam with her right hand, but clenched her teeth hard. “Whoa, the view from this position is pretty neat.”

The girl finally turned to look at her, eyes wide with astonishment. “What are you doing?”

Ymir gave her a little grin. “Just standing next to you.” From so close Ymir could really see the extent of the damage on this girl’s face. It made her blood boil with anger, but she didn’t let any of that show on her face. “Are you going to jump?”

Her eyes widened even more, then she turned away sharply and her grip slackened. She shut her eyes and inhaled slowly, making Ymir panic and think that she was going to jump. But Ymir didn’t dare move or speak, she barely even breathed. She just hoped her presence was enough, and she waited. Eventually the girl’s grip tightened again and her eyes cracked open.

“Eventually,” she answered quietly. “I want to.”

Ymir nodded. “Do you want to talk about why?”

“Not really.”

Ymir bit down on her lip. “Do you mind if I just stay with you, then?”

The girl sent her a blank look. “Whatever.”

That was enough. Ymir glanced up at the sky again, heart thundering. It took everything to make sure she remained cool and calm. She scooted a tiny bit closer to the girl. “The sky is really beautiful at this time of the night, you know. Have you ever been here before?”

A sniffle. “No. Not until tonight.”

“That’s a shame. It’s not all that safe here for someone like you all alone, though, but the moon and stars are honestly breath-taking.” She smiled to herself. “My name is Ymir, by the way.” She held her arm out, waiting.

The girl flinched and pressed herself against the support beam, almost as if she was trying to escape. She nearly lost her balance and Ymir reached out again to grab her, but thought better of it and quickly withdrew her hand. The girl managed to right herself and took a stuttering breath “Historia,” she finally offered.

“That’s a really beautiful name, Historia. Mine’s super weird. People don’t even know how to pronounce it half the time.”

Historia inched closer to the support beam. “How do you spell it?”

“Y-m-i-r. It’s pronounced Ee-mir but I just gave up years ago and decided to go by Yu-mir. Makes my life easier.”

Historia glanced up at the sky. The blood had stopped trickling out of her nose, but her neck and shirt were drenched with it. She looked like an absolute mess, and Ymir was a little frightened that there was more she couldn’t see. This girl looked so broken. Ymir wanted nothing more than to pull her into an embrace and do everything and anything to make it all better. She didn’t even know her, and yet the desire was there.

“What’s your favourite colour?”

Historia looked at her again. “B-black.”

Ymir laughed. “Of course. Most people think it’s pink, right? You’re totally a leather and studs kind of girl.” Her heart fluttered when Historia’s lips twitched. “Mine’s brown. Like my hair and my eyes and my skin.” She chuckled. “And my freckles. Brown is such a pretty colour, you know?”

Historia nodded. “Yeah, I can see that.”

“Do you know what I really love sometimes?”

A little bit of colour returned to Historia’s face, and she now had one arm wrapped around the beam. Her body was slightly facing Ymir and she seemed to be gaining interest. “What?”

“The sunrise.” She inhaled softly. “It’s the little things, sometimes, that just make you sit back and marvel at the fact that you’re alive.” She lifted her hand and spread out her fingers. Historia stared at them. “When I just sit in the garden and watch the first bit of the sun light everything up, I feel so at peace. Life is so shit sometimes, you know? But then I just think, out of so many people that could have existed, I was made. I happened. I’m here, breathing and alive and feeling.” She pressed her hand to her chest. “I don’t believe in a god or higher power, or that any one person has a specific reason for being born.” She shrugged. “It’s all just chaotic and chance. But that’s what makes it beautiful. No one chose you, you were just lucky enough to suddenly exist. You have this gift.” She let her smile slowly fade and stared directly into Historia’s eyes. “This life of yours, Historia, that’s only yours. It’s no one else’s. Yours.”

“What do you even know about my life?”

“Nothing.” Ymir wanted to reach out to her again. “I have no right to act like I know you or your experiences, or tell you how to live. We don’t know each other. But I can tell you this—life is worth it. There is always a reason out there, even something as dumb as watching the sunrise.” Her legs were starting to shake, and the wind was picking up a bit. “Historia, I have no right to tell you not to do this. It’s your life and your decision. But why not consider living for yourself? I can help you. Is there something I can do to give you something to hang onto?”

Historia’s eyes filled with tears again, spilling over her cheeks and dripping from her chin. “Why do you even care?” she screamed. “You’re just some fucking stranger that thinks I shouldn’t kill myself! You don’t _know_ me!” She wobbled slightly, but Ymir remained frozen in place, staring.

Historia turned to face her fully, wobbling again. “I fucking hate my family!” she screamed, eyes screwed shut. “My father is a worthless piece of shit and my mother was just his hooker! She tells me every single night that she should have just aborted me, that I was the worst mistake she ever made. When she gets angry at the tiniest things, she beats the shit out of me! Sometimes she even orders her shitty boyfriend to do it. I just… I can’t do this anymore.” Her voice wavered and shook. The tears were coming out harder. “I didn’t ask to be born. Why do I have to be alive and suffer like this? Why can’t I just make it all stop? I feel so empty that I could just jump right now. I don’t care.”

“I care.” Ymir took a chance and straightened fully to face Historia, almost losing her balance, but managed to keep her feet firmly on the railing. Her heart was beating in her throat and she honestly felt like she could throw up on the spot. But she swallowed it all down. “Fuck them,” she growled. “They are the ones that need to be dead, not you. I know exactly how you feel, Historia.”

Historia weakly clutched at her own bloodied shirt. “How can you?”

Ymir’s smile turned sad. “How do you think I originally found this bridge?”

Historia’s eyes snapped open at that. “How did you decide not to do it?”

“The sunrise.” She laughed at herself. God, her hands were shaking badly. She really did hate heights, she hadn’t been lying. “I was a second away from throwing myself off this bridge. I had nothing. My foster father used me to make money, beat me up for fun. He even gave me this shitty, weird name because of his fucked up cult. I felt like he gave me purpose when he first took me in, but then everyone turned on me and treated me like dirt. I didn’t even feel human.

“So I came here, bloody and beaten, crying like the pathetic shit I was. I climbed up on here and let go and felt the wind nearly take me, and then the sun appeared and for a second my skin was warm and I waited. I decided I’d jump after the sun was up. But while I watched it, I contemplated things. I realized I really liked the way the sun looked. I decided then, that I’d wait to kill myself, because I wanted to see the sun rise again. The next day I came back here, stood up here again, and watched the sun. Day after day I came here, prepared to jump to my death, but every day I came to love the sunrise even more. Then I decided that I didn’t want this to end.”

Ymir pressed her hand against her chest. “This heart that’s beating, it’s strong and alive, and it hurts a lot sometimes, but it’s also known joy and love.” She clenched her hand into a fist. “You can do it, Historia. You do matter. You deserve to matter, to be happy and loved and cared for. Don’t ever let anyone else tell you otherwise. _You_ are here when so many people aren’t, when so many don’t deserve it. Please don’t throw that away for people that don’t matter.”

She carefully jumped down and inhaled deeply. Her fingers were almost knocking together, that’s how badly she was shaking. Her skin felt clammy with sweat but cold at the same time, and her heart was racing wildly in her chest. She peered up at Historia, pleading. Ymir held her hand out.

“Will you choose to live for yourself? Or will you jump?”

Historia stared at her hand for a long moment. “I don’t… I…”

Ymir didn’t move, just held her hand there. “I’ll wait hours if I have to, for you to make a decision. There’s no rush. You’ve got nothing to lose, right? You can even come back tomorrow, we can climb back on there and you can think about it again. But if you do this now, if you jump, that’s it. It’s over. And I care. Everyone else might not right now, and you might not most of all, but I do. I don’t know you, but you being gone would matter to me.”

Historia’s lower lip began to tremble. “Why do you care so much about me, Ymir? I’m a stranger to you.”

Ymir shrugged. “Because people like us don’t deserve to die like we never mattered. My hand is right here, ready when you are. It’s your decision and your right, Historia. I won’t judge whichever decision you make, but I do want you to decide to live. That’s my selfish wish, for you to take my hand and hold onto it.”

Historia’s face filled with emotion—grief, disbelief, sadness, anger and sorrow. Ymir thought she was going to turn and jump, and her heart plummeted right down into her stomach, but then Historia took her hand and Ymir gently helped her down from the railing. The moment Historia’s feet touched the ground, Historia pulled her hand away and crumbled to the ground, sobbing. Ymir took a few steps back and sat down on the ground as well, making sure to keep enough distance between them.

“It might not be okay for a while,” she said softly, “but it will eventually, I promise.”

“Will you help me?” Historia sobbed. “Will you teach me how to love myself?”

Ymir ran a hand through her hair and took a full breath. “I will. Anything you need. I’m here. I care.”

Historia hiccupped and sniffled. She curled further into herself there on the cold metal floor. Ymir marvelled at how small Historia’s body was, how much grief she must have been holding inside. It felt like hours passed by as Historia fell apart and cried ugly, broken tears. Ymir’s ass went numb and her legs were tingling with pain from her awkward sitting position, but she didn’t care and didn’t move. She waited, she remained by Historia’s side and offered her silent comfort. Eventually her sobs died down, her tears dried up. Historia sat up and rubbed a shaking hand over her face.

“I must look like a complete mess right now,” she muttered miserably.

Ymir laughed. “Yeah, you look like shit. But that’s okay, we all look like shit sometimes. You should see me in the mornings.”

Historia laughed softly. “I can’t believe you’re real.” She looked up and studied Ymir’s face carefully. She must have seen the many scars there, the one across the bridge of Ymir’s nose, the one on her eyebrow, at her temple and the ugly one at her throat. She frowned. “You don’t deserve to have all those scars.”

“Neither do you. But we have them, and we live with them, because that’s our right, and that’s our revenge on all the assholes that tried their best to make us kill ourselves.”

“I can’t promise that I won’t want to jump again, Ymir.”

“That’s okay.” Ymir stood and she shrugged out of her jacket, offering it up and watching as Historia hesitantly accepted it and placed it over her small, shivering shoulders. “This takes time. But I’m here for you. Now let’s get you patched up and looking a little more human. Luckily for you the clinic stays open pretty late.”

Historia laughed again. This time it sounded a little more alive. There was still a heavy sense of sadness on her face, and she looked too gaunt and too beat up, but that was okay. Ymir was certain things would change.

She shouldered her bag and started forward, pausing long enough to hold out her hand. “Coming along?” she asked, smiling softly. She wasn’t certain if Historia would take her hand at all, but she held it out anyway.

Historia hesitated, but eventually she took it.

**Author's Note:**

> I was incredibly nervous to post this, but I've been wanting to write this story for a while now. I watched 13 Reasons Why and it really, really fucked me up. It traumatized the fuck out of me. I really do NOT recommend anyone watch it, at all. But one thing the series really did was change my entire view on suicide, so for that reason only I'm glad I watched it. Suicide isn't cool and trendy, and people who think about it or resort to it are NOT wrong or bad. Living can be really painful, but it's also really beautiful. I've been to a point in my life where suicide was almost an option for me. I started looking for the best method to do it. To this day it still scares the fuck out of me that I almost did it, and I'm so glad I didn't. At the time I felt absolutely nothing. I didn't care. I just wanted everything to stop. I can't even remember what made me wait. I've come to realize that lots of things do matter in this big, chaotic world. When I get really, really down small things keep me holding on. Like, I'll think about all the anime I have yet to watch, all the books to read. I have my dogs that rely on me now. All these things, both insignificant and grand, give me so much drive and motivation to keep on living even when I feel like there is no point. There is. There's always a point, and you DO matter. I care about each and everyone of you, and I don't know any of you, but I love you. If you ever feel like this is an option for you, you are more than welcome to talk to me. I may not be an expert nor have the best words, but I can listen and I do care. Please stay safe, everyone. And remember that your life has meaning, no matter what other people say.


End file.
